Is Your Wonded Inner Child In Charge?

In this blog, the terms inner child, younger self, and your Little all refer to your inner child.

Okay, it's time to get real. You have probably seen posts on social media, or your therapist has told you that you need to heal your inner child. Maybe you’ve even done the work with them, but your inner child is still running and maybe even ruining your life.

When new clients come and see me, and they share that they have done inner child work, I find that they missed one crucial step. I will share what that is later. In the meantime, what are some signs that your work with healing your inner child is not working?

Signs That Your Inner Child Is in Charge

• You get activated when your partner cannot meet your needs.

• You ruminate in negative thoughts all the time.

• You often feel rejected, abandoned, humiliated and betrayed by the people around you.

• You feel like you overreact to certain situations and don’t understand why.

Why is your inner child feeling hurt?

In most people, your younger self might have been ignored, abused, rejected, and traumatized when you were young. The source of pain may also come from unmet emotional needs, your main caregiver getting sick, the death of a parent, or your childhood bestie moving away, and you feel like no one understood your sadness.

What does the healing process look like?

Part 1: Acknowledge your inner child.

• Connect with your inner child.

• Practice self-compassion.

• Allow yourself to feel the emotions that are arising.

• Identify why your inner child feels hurt when something happens. Investigate.

  • For example, you felt hurt when you shared good news with your partner and they didn’t acknowledge your joy in the way you wanted. Do you know why? Maybe it is because you always did well in school when you were younger, but your parents did not acknowledge your efforts; they consistently ignored you. So, when your partner did not react the way you thought they should, you felt hurt because your younger self still felt unseen.

• Ask yourself the following questions: What happened in the past? How does that impact the adult me?

Part 2: Reparent yourself.

This is the part I often find missing when people do healing the inner child work.
It is good to acknowledge your younger self, but you need to reparent the child who is still hurting.

There is grief when you realize you need to reparent yourself. What do you mean reparent myself? You mean no one is going to come and save me?

Feel the grief and anger. Then, you do the work to learn how to love yourself and nourish your younger self.

Provide yourself with the love and care you did not get as a child.

• Play

• Write, dance, draw, do pottery, sing. Do activities that your younger self would like but was told were silly or childish.

• Forgive

  • Practice forgiveness for yourself, your caregivers, or those who hurt you. This step cannot be done without doing the other steps; don’t gaslight yourself.

• Engage with your inner child. This is the most crucial step.

Engage with your inner child. Ask: What do you need?

Questions to ask your inner child when you feel hurt, unseen and unheard.

• What do you need right now?

• What can I bring you?

• Do you want me to contact our best friend, partner, or therapist?

• Will movement help? Swimming, going for a walk to the playground?

What did you love to do as a child? Go back to that. I loved to paint, but my strict mother said art wouldn’t pay the bills, so I stopped painting for 20 years.

Remember, healing is a process, and it's okay to take it one step at a time. Be patient and gentle with yourself as you work towards healing your inner child.

If you’ve been following me for a while, you know I believe in the importance of community. We need each other.
However, you also need to be responsible for doing the work to heal your inner child.

You can reach out to your community, friends, and partner for support, but ultimately, you need to do the work to reparent yourself.

A few other things to consider:

• Your inner child wants to know they will not be alone and abandoned again.

• If you always depend on others to validate you and make you feel good and loved, what are you telling your younger self?

• Are you abandoning your younger self again if you don’t take the time to nourish & love them?

How does my healing look like with my Little?

I went to the playground and sat on the swings.

I bought her a stuffed animal. Her name is Ma-Poh, and she’s a hippo.

On days when I am triggered and I feel sad, angry or other range of emotions, I acknowledge the sadness and then I ask my Little what is going on and what she needs.
I have a conversation with my Little.

I also reach out to my community and I see my therapist regularly so I can process the hurt.

I acknowledge that when I am activated, when I feel frustrated or irritable, it is because my younger self is reminded of past hurts.

I take responsibility when I feel hurt. Before I blame my partner or another person, I slow down and check-in.

I check in with her often. I give her a voice.

Here’s the thing,: You, all parts of you, are worthy of love. You are not a burden, and you never were.

Take care of your younger self.

 The key to healing is integrating the inner child. Engage with that part of you that needs to be seen, heard, understood, and supported.