How To Get The Most From Couples Therapy
Remember that change is to be expected in relationships.
We need to renegotiate our needs and ask for what we want from our partners.
Why Couples Therapy?
Clients (couples) start to consider couples therapy when they feel like there are communication issues, their connection is not as close, they feel alone in the relationship, or there has been a breach of trust.
This article/blog is designed to help you get the most benefit from our work together.
Your job is to create individual objectives for being in therapy. My job is to coach you and help you achieve your goals and objectives by giving you tools and allowing you to communicate better with your partner.
The goal is to help you tune in with your partner without compromising your core values or deeply held principles.
Remember that change is to be expected in relationships. We need to renegotiate our needs and ask for what we want from our partners.
Set Clear Goals
Before starting therapy, discuss with your partner what you hope to achieve from the process.
Set specific and realistic goals that you both agree on. Doing this will help guide the therapy sessions and provide a sense of direction.
One of the most common goals I see from my couples is to increase their knowledge about themselves so they can better communicate. Therapy becomes effective when you can apply new ways of communication between each other and recognize it is less about who’s wrong.
Here are a few things to consider to increase your clarity about why you seek couples therapy.
What kind of partner do you aspire to be?
What are the blocks preventing you from becoming the kind of partner you desire to be?
What kind of life do you want to build together?
Be Open and Honest
Share your thoughts, feelings, and concerns openly with your partner and the therapist.
Avoid blaming or criticizing each other and focus on expressing your own emotions and needs.
Open communication is critical to resolving conflicts and improving your relationship.
Practice Active Listening
Be present and listen attentively to your partner during therapy sessions. Please give them your full attention, avoid interrupting, and try to understand their perspective.
When we are in conflict, we often listen to correct our partners. Be present and listen. Really listen.
Take Responsibility
Take responsibility for your own contribution to the relationship issues. Acknowledge your role in the conflicts, be willing to make changes, and work on yourself. This will create a more balanced and constructive therapeutic process.
Do Your Homework
Apply what you learned in therapy in your daily life. Be brave and consistently practice healthier communication, empathy, and problem-solving strategies.
Check-in With Each Other
Ask your partner daily, “How are you? Is there anything you would like to talk about?”
Ongoing communication is vital for sustaining a healthy and thriving relationship.
Be Patient with Your Partner and Yourself
Therapy is a gradual process, and change takes time. Be patient with each other as you navigate challenges and work towards your goals. Celebrate small victories along the way and acknowledge your progress.
Trade-offs and Tough Choices
I will talk more about this during sessions, but to create the relationship you desire, each person will have to make some difficult choices and trade-offs.
Time is a big one. It takes time to create the relationship you want that flourishes over time. Time to be with family, to be with each other without the children, time to play, and time to be by yourself.
Emotional comfort. You will sometimes need to go out on a limb to think of ways to do things and communicate with your partner. How can you be curious instead of fixing? What do you need to do to be vulnerable instead of being resentful?
Energy. It takes energy and effort to sustain improvement over time. When confronted and challenged by your partner, how can you remain conscious and respectful, giving and appreciative rather than acting on your impulses?
Here is the reality.
In an interdependent relationship, it takes effort from each partner to make a sustained improvement. One person cannot do all the work and expect the relationship to flourish.
Come Prepared
A powerful approach to your couples therapy sessions is for each person to do the following before each session:
Reflect on your objectives for being in therapy.
Think about your next step that supports or relates to your larger objectives for the kind of relationship you wish to create or the partner you aspire to become.
Reflect on how your week was. What did your partner do that was good? What was your part in the conflict?
Focus on Changing Yourself Rather than Your Partner
With our individual experiences and history, we have different abilities to respond to others in any situation.
Your partner is limited in their ability to respond to you. And vice versa. Accepting this will be very helpful in moving forward.
The reality is we are all flawed. We make assumptions about our partners and sometimes don’t want to believe that we do that.
I will say this again. Focus on changing yourself rather than your partner.
Couples therapy works best if you focus on setting more goals for yourself than your partner.
When your expectations exceed reality, that is when problems occur. It is human nature to think the other person is at fault, maybe that is so, but we cannot change the other person. We can only change our expectations.
What Is the Miracle Solution to Disagreements or Communication Breakdowns?
Accepting you will need to improve your response to a problem. This includes how you think about it, how you feel and how you respond/react to the situation.
You cannot change your partner.
Your partner cannot change you.
You can influence each other to be more effective and efficient in communication, more loving and considerate, but you cannot change your partner.
When the Honeymoon Period is Over
It is easy to be considerate and loving at the beginning of your relationship or when things are good, the sun is shining, and everyone is in love. However, when things get intense, your old wounds are triggered, and you react. This is when you get tested. You can slow down, get present and be mindful of your reaction, or you can play the blame game.
Do you choose fear, or will you choose compassion in how you deal with your partner and yourself?
Differentiation
I will talk more about this in another blog.
For now, know that differentiation is a healthy, ongoing process of looking inside and defining yourself.
Can you clarify boundaries, ask for what you want from your partner, and be willing to risk and not fear what your partner thinks when you are vulnerable?
Can you avoid taking on your partner’s anxiety and stress during a conflict?
A few other things
It’s not only about what you say. It’s how you say it.
I often ask clients to pause before they intend to say something mean to their partner.
Would you use the same tone and language with your best friend or a child you love? If the answer is no, change how you speak to your partner.
Do you believe your partner is entitled to their opinion during conflict? Do you have the courage to listen to your partner’s reality and express your fears under duress?
Don’t assume. Your partner cannot appreciate and listen to your needs if you don’t let them know what your think, feel and are worried about.
Many of our views on relationships are distorted by Disney movies and romance novels where the main characters can read each other’s minds, and the wedding vows say, “You complete me.” This is not reality; this is a fairy tale.
The three most important qualities for effective communication are respect, openness and persistence.
We are all responsible for how we express ourselves, no matter how others treat us.
Good communication is hard. Put down your devices and start paying attention to your partner.
Taking responsibility doesn’t make the other person is right, but it means you slow down and be mindful of how you react to what is being said or done.
Individual Therapy
If you can, while in couples therapy, see your own therapist.
Why am I triggered?
Why do I react this way when my partner says or does something?
Final Thoughts
Remember that every couple is unique, and therapy approaches may vary based on your specific circumstances. Trust the guidance of your therapist and work collaboratively with your partner to create a fulfilling and meaningful relationship.
As many of my clients are BIPOC, it is also imperative to remember that many of us enter relationships without being fully aware of how our upbringing and social expectations set us up for having unrealistic expectations.
Then we add systemic racism, generational trauma etc., and there's a lot to unpack.
Be gentle with yourself and your partner.
Note: I am all for open communication and taking responsibility for our actions. However, if you are in a toxic or abusive relationship, please seek help. Reach out to your community, the local crisis line, or your healthcare provider to get care. Look after your safety.