Setting Healthy Boundaries with Your Asian Family. Is It Possible?

I remember a few years ago, my therapist, who was from a non-Asian culture, asked if I would ever walk away from my family. I sat there, looked at her and started crying.

How do I explain the importance of family and the guilt and shame I would feel if I did that?

Setting boundaries is not a one-size-fits-all approach

Setting boundaries is a popular topic, especially during the holiday season. Some people start to dread family gatherings and the drama that will no doubt arise when your uncle or aunt says something hurtful.

In Western culture, setting boundaries is often seen as essential to maintaining healthy relationships and protecting your mental health. However, setting boundaries can be very challenging for those who grew up in collective cultures.

Are Boundaries Bad in Asian Families?

Maybe. In many Asian families, there is no clear line between your needs and mine.

Boundaries are seen as a separation from family and can create separation in the family dynamic.

In a collectivist culture, group/family needs are prioritized over individual needs.

What is normal in an Asian family might be shocking to a white person.

• Parents opening your mail.

• Your relatives make mean comments at a family gathering, whether they are picking on your weight, relationship status, job, the way you dress, or who you are dating.

So when do you need to set boundaries?

• When it is affecting your mental, physical and spiritual health.

• When your family’s expectations of you are not realistic or feasible.

When discussing setting boundaries with my Asian clients, the typical response is, “Oh, I can’t!” There is a lot of guilt and shame attached to setting boundaries due to the way we were brought up, with the emphasis on family and loyalty.

However, these are also the clients who are struggling, as many were brought up in the Western culture but are still entrenched in Asian traditions and values.

Setting boundaries does not mean cutting off all contact. However, if that is needed due to abuse and trauma, then there needs to be a deeper discussion.

Setting boundaries means caring for your feelings, thoughts and needs without sacrificing your mental, physical, or spiritual health.

What Does Setting Boundaries with Your Family Members Look Like?

Here are a few examples:

• Pause, and take a deep breath. Check in. How does your body feel?

• Can you wait before you say yes or react?

• Assess your needs. If you know you must attend your grandmother’s 80th birthday party but dread seeing most of your family members, ask yourself: Do you need to eat first? Can you limit the time you spend there? Can you ask a friend to text you regularly to check in?

• Can you say No? If your aunt asks you to do a task, can you say no and ask your cousin to do that instead?

• Be very selective about how much time and information you share with your family.

• Gratitiude and redirect. “Dad, thanks for cutting the oranges. I am very full, and I will take them home to enjoy tomorrow.”

The truth is, sometimes, we need to do certain things out of obligation. If that is the case, consider what you can do to make your experience easier. It may be inviting a friend along. Or eating before you go to dinner so you are not emotionally eating. It could be taking your parents out for dinner instead of going home so you can control how long the outing will be and what you will eat.

Boundaries are important. It can also be challenging and threatening to your Asian family.

Using individualistic values to exist in a collectivistic culture and family can hurt our relationships with our families.

The invitation is to be mindful of your and your family’s needs and then set healthy boundaries to maintain a good relationship with your family without sacrificing your health.

Yes, we should probably also talk about the shame and guilt at some point, but that is for a future blog post.

Note: I am all for open communication and setting boundaries while respecting our family. However, if you are subject to toxic, emotionally abusive situations, please seek help. Contact your community, the local crisis line, or a healthcare provider to get care. Look after your safety. You don't have to perpetuate their behaviours, and you can break the cycle.