Life – Death, Aging, Feelings & Surrender
Life is magical. Life is fun. Life is intense. Life is mysterious. Life is fragile.
Some days, life is also crappy, frustrating and depressing.
You are in love, in flow, have a great job and the next, not so much.
One minute someone you love is sitting next to you, laughing and the next, Poof! they are gone.
When life gets intense, I imagine Spirit/Universe/Creator sitting on her big comfy forest green chair, the wood stove is burning, sipping tea, eating a ginger molasses cookie and thinking to herself with a slightly evil grin, “Oh, you are getting comfortable, getting a tad lazy with your spiritual work eh? Let me throw a few things your way and let’s see how you deal with them.”
Spirit…she’s wise, loving and brilliant but she’s got a weird sense of haha.
Thoughts that go through my mind when life gets intense
Is it me? Maybe it’s the universe? I wonder what the planets are doing right now?
Is it because as I get older, it is more common to experience death?
Maybe I need to go to the temple and make an offering to make all this craziness go away?
Maybe I will clean the house, that might help.
(FYI: Cleaning never helps. Chocolate yes, cleaning nope.)
The last few months have been intense. I had many good days but some were intense.
Days where my heart hurts and the tears won’t stop flowing.
A part of me know that dark, heavy days are part of our life journey and while it is necessary to look at the darkness and feel all of my feelings, some days a girl just needs a break.
Death, Aging, Feelings & Surrender
We lost a friend recently. One moment she was here, laughing, being the shining bright light that everyone was used to and the next moment, she was gone. Poof! No warning, just gone.
She was a giver. She was one of those people who showed up when things got tough. She came here to serve and when she was done, she went home.
I’m a Buddhist so I am quite realistic about death. I believe that when our work is done, when we’ve learned all of our lessons, we leave. But it still sucks to lose people you love.
Aging – My Father
My father’s health has been slowly deteriorating for 10 years. It’s hard to see your parents age, it even harder when they start to lose their independence. We took away his motorcycle 10 years ago, he had fallen asleep when he stopped at the traffic lights.
I used to avoid my feelings. I would push them deep down and I would pretend that everything was FINE.
I would deal with my feelings on my own as I wasn’t good at asking for help. I am getting better at it but it still takes me a long time before I reach out.
When the tears won’t stop flowing
I knew I needed to ask for help when my father had two major surgeries two days after my friend’s death. I was grumpy, emotional and not sleeping well.
I hesitated, over analyzed and I sweated over my decision before I reached out for help.
First, I talked to my teacher.
We talked, debriefed then she asked me “What did you lose with your friend’s death?”
How do I answer that?
When I first met her, I knew I wanted to be her friend. She exuded love.
She gave great hugs. She had a wicked sense of humor. She radiated love and kindness. She lived life to the fullest.
She stood with us in the rain at the cemetery when a close friend of ours died two years ago.
She also made the most amazing cheesecake.
“What did I lose with her death?”
I lost someone who was solid, who was dependable and who knew her purpose in life.
I lost someone who you know, you just know, will show up when things get tough.
I grief that this crazy world we live in has lost someone so worthy of living.
I grief that you did not have the opportunity to know her, did not get a chance to experience her laughter and her bear hugs.
I felt a lot better after I talked with my teacher so I went for a run.
When I came home from my run, my brother sent me a picture of my parents talking on my father’s hospital bed before he went in for surgery. That broke my heart.
I broke down, I surrendered. I knew I needed support.
I texted close sister-friends and asked for help. They offered to light incense, offered prayers and made offerings to help my father have an easier time with his surgery and recovery.
As I write this, my father is still in recovery and I realized that I have no control over the situation.
I surrendered and I trusted that whatever the outcome, it is for the highest good.
I know my tribe will show up, they will hold space and check in if needed.
Life is a gift.
Surrender, surround yourself with amazing people & trust in the journey.
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