A Letter To My Child – Why I didn’t Have You
Many people have asked me why I didn’t give birth to you.
They said “What a waste, you guys would’ve been great parents.”
I agree, but I also disagree. Kind of.
Why did we decide not to bring you into this world?
The easy answers are because the timing wasn’t right. Because we got married older. Because we both changed careers.
On a deeper, spiritual level, I didn’t have you because if I had had you in my 20s or 30s, I don’t think I would be a great mother.
I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes my mother, your grandmother made.
Most importantly, I don’t think I would have been kind, and it would break my heart to be unkind to you.
Why? Because I didn’t have the best childhood and it has taken me years to dismantle my upbringing, to heal and to forgive.
It would break my heart if I hit you, if I was passive aggressive or God forbid, tell you that you are not worthy.
Yes, I’ve had to grieve that I will never hold you in my arms.
That I will never tell you (out loud and every day) that I love you.
That I will never teach you the importance of believing in yourself.
That I will never read you bedtime stories and that your dad, who’s so amazing at making stuffed animals ‘talk‘ — that he will never be able to make funny noises while I read you bedtime stories or when he gives you bedtime kisses.
That I will never be able to give you great bear hugs or wipe your tears.
That I will never be able to protect you and kick someone’s ass if they were mean to you.
That I will never be able to bake cookies with you and let you lick the spoon.
That we will never call daddy at work and tell him funny jokes. He loves funny jokes.
It saddens me that I am not able to share my love of nature with you.
That you will never meet your many aunties, my soul sisters — they would have loved your sassy personality.
Mostly, I regret that I will never be able to protect you and tell you every day, that you are loved, that you are worthy and that I am so glad you were born.
I love you.
Sign up for my newsletter to receive updates on new blogs, courses and offerings.